Deanna is 39, she lives with her wife, Zoe, who is 35, and their daughter, Sophia, who is 6 months old. Deanna is having a drink in a pub with Brendan, an old friend whom she knows from when they trained together as psychiatric nurses, and who has just moved to the area

Deanna: It’s so good to catch up with you properly again. Keeping in touch on Facebook isn’t the same as sitting down together over a pint. When did we last do this?

Brendan: Just the two of us? Not since we were on the course, I don’t think. Kelly and I met up with you and Zoe a few times for a meal, and then of course you came to our wedding, ….

Deanna: But that was different. I mean, you’ve just told me all about what you and Kelly went through trying for a baby, and all that was going on under the surface those last times we met, and I had no idea.

Brendan: Well, of course not. It’s not exactly dinner party conversation, is it? But you haven’t told me how things really are with you. You were always a better listener that you were a talker.

Deanna: Not like you! You can talk for England...or Ireland, I should say! I could use words like blarney or craic, but I wouldn’t want to be racist, would I? Though seriously, you’re a pretty good listener too.

Brendan: See what you did there? I was asking about you, and now you’re talking about me again.

They both laugh, then after a pause Deanna gets her phone out.

Deanna: My turn now! I was going to do this earlier when you showed me the picture of your twins, but the moment passed. This is Sophia. I took this one just the other day.

Brendan: Isn’t she just gorgeous! How old is she now?

Deanna: Six months.

Brendan: She has a look of you. Looks like she enjoys a joke!

Deanna: Well, that isn’t in the genes! Zoe’s her biological mother. We decided that would be the best way, as she’s younger than me. But yes, she’s a really happy, easy baby – no trouble at all.

Brendan: So parenthood is suiting you both, then?

Deanna: (a bit too brightly, after a pause) Yes, it’s all good.

Brendan: Really? You don’t sound too sure

Deanna: Well....... actually I am a bit worried about Zoe at the moment. She’s started drinking again.

Brendan: Again?

Deanna: Oh, didn’t you know? She has had huge problems with alcohol in the past.

Brendan: I had no idea.

Deanna: We thought she’d got over all that. It’s ten years we’ve been together now, and she was a mess in the early days. She was finishing her PhD and trying to hold down her first teaching job at the same time, and she couldn’t cope with it all. She’d always liked to drink – she was a bit of a wild child in her teenage years, especially after her parents split up. She was very close to her father, and then he went off with another woman who wasn’t much older than she was. Her mum’s like her, clever, academic, driven. She’s never been there for her emotionally. Since Sophia was born she’s only been to see us a couple of times – none of that mother–daughter stuff that’s supposed to happen when you have a baby. I know it’s not an easy journey for her to visit us, but even so, you’d think she’d want to get to know her grand-daughter. I’m not sure that she’s ever really accepted our relationship, though of course she’s too politically correct to say anything.

Brendan: That sounds really difficult. I don’t know where we would have been without Kelly’s mum’s support with the twins in the early days, and my parents have been great too, even though we don’t see them as often. But what about Zoe’s drinking now? You sound concerned.

Deanna: Well, I know how easily it can get out of control. Back when she was drinking before, she lost her job over it. I didn’t realise at first how much she was drinking. When we got back from work we’d share a bottle of wine over dinner to unwind, and then she’d usually go off and work on her writing. But one day I found four empty vodka bottles hidden behind the books on her bookshelf. I was beginning to think about doing my mental health nursing training then, and I was looking through her psychology books. When I asked her about it she said they’d been there for ages, and that she occasionally had a little drink to help her to sleep. She was sleeping badly then; she’d lie awake, and then get up and go downstairs so as not to disturb me, and then come back to bed eventually and drop off around 4, and then of course she struggled to get up for work in the morning. She was often getting in late, she was missing marking deadlines, the students were complaining, and so her contract wasn’t renewed at the end of the year. I realised it had all been too much for her, so we managed on my income after that, and I looked after the domestic side of things too while she concentrated on writing her thesis. She seemed to be making progress with it, though I still found the occasional vodka bottle in the recycling. But then she got caught drink-driving, and she lost her licence. She must have been drinking much more than I thought; I’d just asked her to pick up a few things from the supermarket at lunchtime, and I never dreamed she’d be over the limit at that time of day.

(she stops and falls silent, looking tense and miserable)

Brendan: (gently) And then?

Deanna: (pulling herself together) After that she decided to go to AA and get help to stop drinking altogether. She talked a lot about how she could have injured or even killed someone; she’d really shocked herself. I wasn’t sure it was the best way; all that stuff about a higher power sounded a bit weird to me, and the endless meetings disrupted our routine in the evenings.

Brendan: Yes, I know what you mean – it can sound a bit off-putting. But I know a lot of people who’ve been helped by the twelve step programme.

Deanna: Yes, Zoe really got into it, and it seemed to work for her, though it took a while, and she had a few relapses before she managed to quit. She was able to finish her thesis, and she got her licence back and found another academic job. But things got a bit stormy between us around then. The job was in London and I didn’t want her to take it because I thought the commute would be too stressful for her. She accused me of trying to hold her back. We had a lot of rows about it, and we even separated for a few months when she started the job and she went to stay with a friend in London. But we got over that, and I started my training, and we settled into a new routine. I know routine’s important to me; when I was growing up I didn’t have that. I had to learn to create it for myself.

Brendan: Yes, I remember on the course you were the one who was always on time and organised and knew what was going on. So what was it like for you growing up, then? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk about your childhood before.

Deanna: Well, my dad left when I was 11 and my mum really fell apart. She wasn’t well, for a start. She’d always been a heavy smoker, and she’d developed emphysema, which was quite bad by then. And she made things worse by drinking too. I’d come home from school and she’d just be lying on the sofa, completely out of it. I soon realised that if we were going to have any decent meals I’d have to learn to organise things myself. My brothers did help me a little, but they were a lot older. Bradley had already left home by the time my dad left, and Oliver was about to go to university. They weren’t very clued up domestically anyway, but they were a good laugh when they were around. Mum managed to pull herself together a bit after a while, but drinking was always a problem, and her health just got worse and worse. I suppose I became her carer. She needed someone else around; she would never have been able to manage living alone. So I got a job when I left school and didn’t go away to university. Just as well really, as she developed cancer soon after that as well, and died when I was 24.

Brendan: That all sounds as if it was really tough. I can see why you were so motivated when you started the course; you’d had to wait a long time to get on with your life, hadn’t you? But I had no idea you were carrying all that baggage around with you. I knew your mum had died, and that you’d been her carer, but that was all. And I had no idea about Zoe. You two always seemed such a solid, sorted couple.

Deanna: Well, we were by then. It was the beginning of a really good time for us both. Like you said, I loved it that the course was so highly structured, and that I was getting on with my life at last. And Zoe’s commute wasn’t anything like as disruptive as I’d thought it would be. She seemed to cope with it OK, and I got used to her not being around as much. Some evenings she’d be back quite late, and we did have some rows about that, but in the end we agreed that she’d always be home early on Wednesdays and Fridays, and of course we had the weekends together. I got that job at the hospital when I finished the course, then it was just a couple of years later that I moved into community psychiatric nursing. Zoe got involved in some high-profile research projects at work, and got promoted. We decided to get married, and to try for a baby, and to move to London to cut out the commuting. That was about two years ago.

Brendan: But you’re worried about Zoe now?

Deanna: Yes, I am. As I said, she’s drinking again. Not just the odd glass of wine, but by the time I get home in the evening she’s often well on the way to finishing the bottle, and sometimes she’s crashed out on the sofa. Just like my mum used to be.

Brendan: But what about Sophia?

Deanna: Oh, Sophia’s usually asleep when I get back. We’ve been under such pressure at work. that I’ve been having to work late two or three nights a week just to keep on top of it. I’m about to become acting manager in my team, so I suppose it will get worse. But I’m hoping it will lead to something more permanent in the way of promotion; we could do with the extra money. Zoe hasn’t made up her mind about what to do at the end of her maternity leave yet; she might want to go back part-time.

Brendan: It must be difficult missing out on bedtimes with Sophia; that’s why I’ve stuck with hospital jobs, because when I’m on early shifts I get to spend some decent quality time with the twins, and I can take them to nursery when I’m on lates.

Deanna: I get plenty of quality time at weekends. We like to take Sophia out and about then. Zoe doesn’t manage to get out much in the week. She’s quite nervous about driving these days, and prefers it if I do it. Sophia’s favourite place is the farm park; she loves the animals.

Brendan: It does sound as if you’re concerned about Zoe, though.

Deanna: Well, I just don’t know what to do to help, or how much I should be worried about her drinking.

Brendan: Could she go back to AA? It seemed to help her before.

Deanna: Yes, I suppose so, but I don’t know if she thinks she has a problem. It’s not as if she’s on the vodka like she was before. And on her better days I like to share a glass of wine with her when I get back from work. It feels like a way of reconnecting. And child care would be a problem if she started going to those meetings again.

Brendan: And what about you? How are you coping with it all?

Deanna: Oh, I’m fine. I just get on with it. Anyway, I’ve talked enough about me. Tell me more about the twins. Have you got any more photos?