Chapter 7 (HGD: 147) discusses a number of ideas about the process of forming an adult identity which are relevant here. It’s a difficult process for many people, but there are particular challenges for young people who come from ethnic or religious minorities (HGD: 158) and of course also for young people who discover they are gay (HGD: 165).

Chapter 8 discusses (HGD: 177) the different expectations placed on women and men when it comes to performing caring roles. Amina’s position is not unlike that of Sue in Activity 8.3 (HGD: 192). No one seems to have questioned why Amina is having to give up work and look after Maryam, rather than Jamal, or rather than, say, both of them working half-time.

Of course, these assumptions about gender roles are not set in stone but vary according to cultural expectations. This is discussed in Chapter 11 (HGD: 243). Not discussed in the book, but worth thinking about, is the question of how dementia care would be managed in a rural community such as the one that Maryam came from in Bangladesh. Jamal’s and Amina’s values have their origins in a very different world. What might be different there? In what ways would it be harder, and in what ways easier?

Chapter 12 (HGD: 269), discusses the tasks and challenges associated with old age. You may like to reflect on the way that the cognitive changes that result from dementia affect the completion of these tasks, whether for Maryam or for others with the same condition.

Finally, the family systems idea discussed in Chapter 10 (HGD: 221) can be helpful in thinking about a complex family situation of this kind. We pointed out in that chapter that a family may be dealing with several different life transitions all at once (HGD: 233). Here we see the transition into dependent old age (Maryam) and the transition which many people experience in mid-adulthood, into becoming carers for elderly relatives, but taking place at the same time we also see Kabir, Sajid and Monty at various stages of making the transition into independent adulthood. The interaction between these life transitions means that the latter are even more difficult than they might otherwise have been.

What we see is a big horizontal stressor (see HGD: 229), namely Maryam developing Alzheimer’s disease having a huge impact on the entire family system. Most obviously, it has meant that Amina has stopped working, and Sajid has put his own career on hold, but it has also apparently contributed to Kabir deciding that he can’t come out as gay, which presumably has put a brake on aspects of his life too. (We say ‘apparently’ because it is entirely possible, of course, that Kabir would have found this difficult in any case, and perhaps would find some other reason to put it off, were it not for Maryam’s dementia!) There are also vertical stressors here, most likely, connected with the family’s experience of being migrants and members of a South Asian community in a European country like Britain.

It is interesting to consider the role played in the family by the belief that Jamal is a very good man. (Kabir says Amina is good too, but he says a lot less about her.) We are not saying that this isn’t true, but it does seem to make Jamal very hard to challenge, given that Kabir would apparently rather keep much of his own life secret rather than upset this good man. While it seems harsh of Monty (formerly Mohammad) to cut himself off from his family in the way he has done, it is possible to see why he might have felt he had no choice if he was to be himself at all, and we might wonder how easy it is going to be for Sajid to carve out his own path in life in this context.