11: Issaq & Shafique

Issaq is the father-to-be of twins. He is 19, in full time employment, lives at home and has been in a relationship with his girlfriend Shafique, age 18, for two years. Up until the unexpected pregnancy he felt that things were stable and happy in his relationship. Now he is not so sure.

He does want the babies and a part of him looks forward to being a father, even if it was an unplanned event.

Shafique in his eyes, is sensible, practical and confident and he feels she will make a great mother; she has lots of family and friends’ support and has lots of experience with young children. Issaq feels he won’t be up to the enormity of the implications of fatherhood just yet. He feels he does not have any relevant experience or skills for parenting and has only just opened up to Shafique about these fears. Shafique, at 16 weeks pregnant, is shocked that he feels this way; she believed he was ready, able and emotionally equipped, she always saw him as the strong one.

› Suggested answers

This is an emotional and difficult time for any new or prospective parent.

It is especially difficult for Issaq who does not feel prepared and for Shafique who does, but now realises her mainstay of support is unsure and feels unequal to the task.

Positive aspects of this situation are that Issaq has opened up to Shafique admitting how he feels and how unready he is.

This shows an emotional maturity in that he can process his feelings to some extent and feels secure enough to broach the topic with Shafique at this early stage.

Shafique does feel able and confident to approach parenthood knowing she has lots of support from her family and friends and although she is surprised at Issaq’s admission of unpreparedness, she knows that with support he too can begin to adapt to these changing circumstances.

She is very relieved and reassured that Issaq does want to be a father; he just does not know how or where to start. Can she help him?

Being able to address these issues with each other is an encouraging start. Talking and keeping the lines of communication open between themselves is a good indicator of willingness and trust in each other.

At an early stage it may be prudent for Shafique and Issaq to talk in confidence with their midwife and for Issaq to consider setting time off from work to attend key appointments. He may need to arrange these in advance with his employer and it may be facilitated by taking annual leave days or similar ‘time off in lieu’ arrangements.

This may also raise the topic of what happens after the birth, some way off yet, but knowing there is statutory provision (paternity care arrangements) may help to ease the passage into parenthood without the worry of how they will be sharing the caring.

This may not be what the couple wish to do – it needs further discussion, but it is one available option.

For now, it may be helpful for Issaq to know he is not alone in feeling like this – it is common enough for fathers to be unsure of their abilities and to perhaps feel excluded from some of the excitement and responsibilities of being a prospective parent. The RCN, RCM and IHV all recognise the need for including fathers in all aspects of parenting and promoting attachment and bonding with and between parents and children.

Proactive strategies can be set in motion to ensure Issaq is as prepared as possible to be the best father and partner he can be. Awareness that attachment and bonding start before birth is key and the couples’ midwife and attending healthcare professionals can ensure Issaq and Shafique are equally welcomed and prepared as much as they can be for their new roles as parents.

Antenatal visits and parenting skills sessions are open to fathers, mothers and all combinations of contemporary parenting presentations. Emotional self-care, reciprocal care and various skills such as learning to know your developing babies and baby massage, can all enhance the developing relationship between parents and their babies.

Personal and cultural parenting choices can be discussed and explored before birth, allowing time for reflection and realistic planning. Combining learning about pregnancy stages as well as parenting practices can reassure parents that their style can be individual to them and still be viewed as competent parenting. Awareness that not one method suits all can be reassuring for parents to help them express concerns and niggles they may be having on topics such as breastfeeding practices, presence in the birthing room, home births, coping when alone, sleeplessness and rotating roles, emotional and mental wellbeing, maintaining social contact and personal awareness, etc.

Other more intimate concerns may also be discussed in confidence, such as concerns about continuing with sexual relations during and after pregnancy, contraception, dealing with tiredness and emotions postnatally (both parents), which may also alter the intimate dynamics of their relationship.

Awareness that after birth and on into childhood and adolescence there is a supportive universal service for children’s health and wellbeing may mean parents do not feel so alone or unsupported when it comes to long-term parenting issues. In the short term there may be the local equivalent of MumsNet groups for fathers to explore. The midwife, health visitor and children’s nurse will know what services are available locally for Issaq and Shafique.