Penny Sullivan teaches part-time at Queens Park Primary School. Her job-share partner with whom she teaches her class is due to go on maternity leave soon, and the head teacher has asked Penny if she would consider going full-time. The following is an exchange of emails between them:

Email from Penny Sullivan to Alison Moore, 18.9.22

Dear Alison,

I’ve spent the weekend thinking over our discussion last Friday, and I’ve talked about it with Max. Sadly, I don’t feel I can take on any more hours at the moment. Things got a bit easier for a while after the Covid lockdowns ended, and that made me feel like I could take on a bit more outside of home. But the truth is that Jack’s needs get greater rather than less as he gets older, and if I taught any more than the three days a week I currently do I know I wouldn’t have enough time and energy left for him.

Thank you for asking me, though,

Penny

Email from Alison Moore to Penny Sullivan, 18.9.22

Dear Penny,

I’m sorry that you’ve come to that decision. When we spoke last week, you seemed really enthusiastic about taking full responsibility for Class 4SE, and you’ve got so many good, creative ideas. You’ve got real potential as a school leader, and I’d like to see you applying for a deputy headship in a few years, though of course I’d be sorry to lose you. This post would only be for two terms; if it doesn’t work out for you, you could go back to part time again. I’m wondering why you’ve changed your mind. Would it help to talk about it some more when you’re in again on Wednesday?

Alison

Email from Penny Sullivan to Alison Moore, 19.9.22

Dear Alison,

I know I was enthusiastic when we spoke, but I think I got a bit carried away. The thing is, when I’m at work I’m completely in it –  it’s all absorbing and I don’t think about the other parts of my life. I’d love to take on the class, and I can see it would be the best thing for them too. But it was a really difficult weekend with Jack. He was angry and distressed, and wouldn’t settle to any of the activities he usually likes. It was hard work to keep him on an even keel, and it worries me so much when he gets out of control. He’s grown so fast in the last year. He’s as tall as me now, and so strong – I can’t just put my arms around him and hold him till he calms down like I used to do when he was younger. I think something must have happened at school. I’m going to go in this afternoon and talk to them to see if I can get to the bottom of it. Jack can’t tell me what’s upsetting him; I just have to guess from his behaviour. But he hates any change, anything that alters his predictable routine. That’s another reason I don’t feel I can go full time. It would mean Max being there instead of me when gets back from school every day, not just three days a week, and taking him to his piano lesson on a Tuesday. I think that would be too hard for Jack – and maybe for Max as well. As I said, we did discuss it over the weekend, and I could see from Max’s face that he wasn’t keen on the prospect of spending more time with Jack, although he didn’t say so, and he said it was up to me to decide. But I’ve been worried about him recently, and about our marriage too, if I’m honest. He’s spending longer and longer hours at work – though he’s good about working flexible hours when he needs to be there for Jack – and we hardly talk any more. I can’t get him to discuss the things that really bother me about what’s going to happen to Jack in the future. We used to have good fun as a family when Jack and Sarah were little, in spite of Jack’s special needs. Sarah’s always been good with him, jollied him along, understood what he wanted, and he adores her. But there’s not much fun or laughter in our house these days. That’s one of the reasons why I love coming to work. There are always plenty of laughs with a class of 8 and 9 year olds!

Sorry, that was a very long way of telling you why I’ve changed my mind about the job. I don’t think there’s much point in discussing it again – I’ve realised that it just isn’t possible for me.

Many thanks,

Penny

Email from Alison Moore to Penny Sullivan, 19.9.22

Dear Penny,

Of course I don’t want to put you under any pressure. I hadn’t realised how difficult things were at home. You always seem so calm and on top of things at work, and I guess that’s why I asked you about doing the extra hours. Jack must be a huge worry for you. I don’t know much about autism really, apart from one or two children we’ve had in school who’ve been diagnosed with Asperger’s. But Jack’s much worse than that, isn’t he? I know he’s at special school. But I realise, now I think about it, that you haven’t talked about him very much at all, and your email gave me a new insight into what you’re having to deal with, and I hope you’ll feel free to talk about things more in the future.

Do let me know if there’s any way I can help at all,

Alison

Email from Penny Sullivan to Alison Moore, 19.9.22

Dear Alison,

Thank you – it feels good to get some of this off my chest, and maybe this email exchange is a good way of doing it. As I said, I like to leave it all behind me and focus on my class when I’m in school, so I’d rather not talk about it too much there.

I did talk to Jack’s teacher yesterday, and got to the bottom of what had been bothering him over the weekend. It seems that on Friday they’d had problems with the plumbing in the boys’ toilets, and they had to get some emergency repairs done, so the boys had to use the girls’ toilets instead for part of the day. The school organised it as well as they could, but it really upset Jack. He needs fixed routines around daily activities like eating and going to the toilet, and he also finds it very disturbing when strangers, like the workmen, are around. Normally if anything like that is happening at school they prepare Jack for it in advance by talking about it repeatedly and showing him pictures of what’s going to happen, but of course they didn’t have time to do that when the cistern was overflowing all over the floor! Life is just unpredictable sometimes, and Jack finds it really difficult to cope with that.

The main thing with people on the autistic spectrum is that you have to tune in to them, because they can’t tune in to the world around them. I suppose I’ve learned over the years to get away from thinking ‘better’ or ‘worse’. They just see the world differently from us neurotypicals, and they’re all very individual and different from each other too. Neurodiversity is a fashionable word, but it gets it right: everyone’s different, one size doesn’t fit all. With Jack, I’ve had to find out and enter into what he’s passionate about, which is music, and especially rhythm. He used to drive us mad because he’d get obsessed with just one song, and want to listen to it all the time. For ages, it was ‘Follow the Yellow Brick Road’ from The Wizard of Oz. So I’d try to introduce him to different songs with a similar kind of feel, to broaden his experience a bit, and that worked quite well. Then he started having some music therapy at school, where he played on the piano, so we got him one at home and eventually I found a teacher who was patient and flexible enough to work with him, and now he’s quite proficient, and he really enjoys it. The first piano teacher he had was a disaster, though. She was a nice woman, and very well-intentioned, but she couldn’t seem to pace her interventions the way he needed. She’d give him too much information at once – he couldn’t take it in, and the less he took in the more information she’d give, just trying to be helpful. In the end, he’d shut down completely, and I’d have to get her to finish the lesson early because I knew that he was about to have a meltdown. I tried to explain about sensory overload, and how difficult that is for people with autism, but she just didn’t get it.

Anyway, Jack seems to be back on an even keel now, and I’m just off to pick him up from school and take him to his piano lesson. I’ll see you in school tomorrow.

Penny

Email from Alison Moore to Penny Sullivan, 19.9.22

Dear Penny,

I’m glad Jack is more settled. His piano lessons sound as if they are very important to him, and I realise that we have arranged that professionals’ meeting about Caitlin Dudley for Tuesday afternoon next week. You had said you would be able to come in specially for it, but won’t it clash with Jack’s piano lesson? Will you be able to arrange things without putting yourself or Jack under pressure? You’re told me how difficult he finds changes to his regular routine. I can ask Mrs Richardson if she could attend the meeting instead if you like, or maybe we could get it rearranged for another day.

Let me know what would work best for you.

Alison

Email from Penny Sullivan to Alison Moore, 19.9.22

Dear Alison,

Don’t worry – I’ve already arranged with Max that he will finish work early that day and take Jack to his piano lesson, and I’ve checked with the piano teacher too, and she’s fine with it. The meeting actually gave me a good excuse to suggest a very specific way for Max to spend some time with Jack. He’s finding that difficult at the moment, which I think is why he’s working late so often. But he’ll be OK so long as he’s not totally responsible for keeping Jack occupied and happy, and I’d like him to hear Jack’s piano playing. He’s not often around to listen to it, and it’s wonderful to see and hear Jack being focused and creative, which he usually is in his piano lessons, once he settles down. I tell him about it, of course, when we get back from lessons, but I can see he doesn’t really believe me, and just thinks I’m being a doting mother. It would be so good for their relationship if he could find something to be proud of in his son. It’s easy enough for him to be proud of Sarah, with her predicted A grades and her volunteering with the St John Ambulance Cadets, and he is – he’ll miss her so much when she goes to university next year. We all will.

Thanks for thinking about it, anyway,

Penny

Email from Alison Moore to Penny Sullivan, 20.9.22

Dear Penny,

I didn’t manage to catch you in school today to say thanks for putting yourself out to attend the meeting about Caitlin; I know you’ve managed to establish a particular rapport with her, and it will be so helpful to have you there. It shows just the sort of commitment that makes me wish you would go full-time…but I won’t go on about that! I also wanted to say do feel free to continue to sound off to me by email if it’s helpful. It’s the least I can do.

Alison

Email from Penny Sullivan to Alison Moore, 25.9.22

Dear Alison,

You know what you said about it being OK to sound off by email? Well, here goes! It’s been the most awful weekend. Sarah was away visiting a friend, and Jack misses her so much when she isn’t there. And Max had fixed up to play golf both days, although he knew perfectly well that it would mean I’d be on my own with Jack. Simple things like getting the shopping done are almost impossible, and I run out of patience when we’re alone together for too long. Jack and I were both in full meltdown mode by the time Max came back on Sunday afternoon. I’d just sat Jack down in front of The Wizard of Oz in desperation, so I let Max have it. I was furious. I’m so fed up with being the one who has to do it all, and I can’t manage without more support from him, and I told him all that. He didn’t fight back –  he just sat down as if he’s been sandbagged, and I could see he was near to tears. He didn’t say anything for a while, then he said, ‘I just don’t know if I can do this any more’. I said, ‘We don’t have an alternative’, but the thing is, he does. He could just walk out, and that’s what I’m afraid of. He went off to have a shower, and we did talk a bit more later that evening, when Jack was in bed. He said what I’ve been feeling too, that our family feels such hard work these days. He apologised for not doing more with Jack, and actually said how difficult he finds it being with him, because he’s always thinking about how different things would be if he was normal. He talked about this lad about the same age in a family he knows through work, and how lively and full of ideas he is. Of course I picked him up on the word ‘normal’, which always annoys me – I realise now I shouldn’t have done that just when he was beginning to open up to me. It’s just that I so much want him to be able to see Jack differently, like I do, though God knows it’s taken me years and lots of reading and talking to other parents of autistic children to get there. So, he went quiet again, and then he turned on the television and that was that.

He’ll be OK to look after Jack tomorrow afternoon though – I did check that with him before he went off to work this morning. So I’ll see you then.

Thanks for listening!

Penny